Jan
18th

{personal} soul searching

This post is a personal post, if you don’t want to read, scroll down, I’ve included a black and white flower shot for you. I promise that tomorrow we will resume our scheduled programming with something much more exciting, but for today, I need to get this off my chest.

I have been doing some soul searching lately. And I am not sure of anything right now. I still have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have a loving husband that will support me. In whatever I choose to do. I have a beautiful baby girl who I can only hope will one day realize how much my heart overflows with love for her.

I feel lost right now. I feel scared. And I don’t know what my next step will be. Behind me lays the road I have traveled and before me yawns a chasm. I am standing at the precipice with no idea how far the drop will be, the winds of change are beating at my back and I am afraid to jump. And I am afraid to stay. I cannot stay because things have already changed and will continue to change.

Rob and I have had some monumental changes this winter. Rumors of him being laid off were whispered in our ears at Thanksgiving and we have been living with this threat hanging over our heads. It has been a very stressful couple of months. I am a worrier. My brain never stops, and if you ask Rob, he will tell you that this is true. I lie awake at night with these thoughts racing through my head, what if’s turning circles through my brain. I’ve tried to make it stop. The worries only get worse. It wasn’t Rob who needed to worry. I no longer have the same job as before. I am finding it hard to adjust, I’ve done this for six years and now, well now someone else does what I do, what I did.

So here I am, at a new crossroads in life and there is the question hanging in the air.

Where do I go from here?

Where?

What do I want to do with my life?

That is the question, and unlike Scarlett I cannot wait until tomorrow to think about the answer. I need to figure things out now. This is where I stand, a well trod path behind me and nothing solid in front of me. I know that Rob will support me.

So, where do I go from here?

Do I leave everything behind and forge this new path? Our photography is pulling me, drawing me ever farther off the beaten path. I’ve dreamed of building up the photography to a point where one of us can take it on full time. There is no time like the present. I am young, I am determined and I am dreaming big. I have so many new plans for this coming year. I want to break into new markets. I’ve got newborns lined up, okay they may be waiting their turns, and I have dreams of showing women how beautiful they are, every curve and line holds beauty. I want to share my dreams with you.

I will dream. I will grow. I will choose happy.

Black and white daisy flowers with bokeh.

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